Minor Epiphany

This might seem like a no-brainer to a lot of you.  On the surface this little nugget of advice seems like common sense.  But I recently came to the realization that a credo I hold onto ("Just because it comes in your size, doesn't mean you should wear it.")  also works in reverse:

Just because you can wear it,

doesn't mean it's your size.

I started this journey over a year ago at 326 lbs.  I was wearing a size 24 pant from Lane Bryant rather comfortably then.  I currently weigh 274.5 and just recently got rid of my size 24's.  I had been wearing them this whole time.

I don't know what possessed me to think that the 24's still "fit".  I guess in my mind something doesn't fit only if I can't squeeze myself into it.  It really didn't dawn on me that something I could take on and off without unbuttoning, unzipping or otherwise unfastening was equally ill-fitting, and let's be honest... unflattering.

Yesterday I slipped into a pair of size 20 pants (Lane Bryant Houston trousers... my favorite) because it was the only clean thing I could wear to work without having to shave my legs.  Lo and behold, they went on and buttoned without any gut sucking or contortions.

And get this... they looked good.  I immediately noticed that I looked smaller.  Well, it stands to reason.  I have been hiding my 50lb loss behind the same pants I wore when I weighed 326lbs!  This became clear to me last night when someone who sees me on a very regular basis asked me if I'd lost weight.

Please tell me I'm not the only one to whom this notion came as a surprise.

Bye, Bye, Fill! Hello, Fifty!

Ah well...

So my last fill of 0.5 cc put me at (I think) 8.5cc in my 14cc band.  At first I was concerned it was too much since I was getting stuck almost every day.  But, I decided to give it time to settle down and it did.  And my band and I were in sync for the first time since we became acquainted in September.

I had great restriction.  Occasionally I would test my limits and end up PB'ing.  But no vomiting, no heartburn and I was satisfied with so much less food in terms of volume.

But then I started PB'ing on a daily basis. Odd.  What was causing this?  The weather?  TOM?  Something to do with the tides or phases of the moon?  I don't know.

So today at my check up I told the PA I definitely did not want a fill and after hearing what had been going on she asked if I would be okay with taking a little out.  I said I'd be okay with taking a smidge out.  She tried 3 times to get the needle in the port with no luck so she had to call in the dr to do it.  Well, he did and he finished up and told me he took out .5cc.  Oh.  Well, that sucks.  He took out my entire last fill.  More than I had anticipated having removed.  But I was kind of glad just to have it over with.  And it's only for 4 weeks tops.  If this removes all the good restriction I had I can always get more added next time.  Maybe just not the full 0.5cc.

I've glossed over the fact that I've officially lost over 50 lbs.  I feel pretty good about that.  I'd really love to be able to lose another 20 (well, 18.5) before Sept 29th.  Then I can say I've lost 50lbs post-operatively in one year.  That would be stellar for me.  It's ambitious for me since I really only average 1 lb/week lost.  But if I really focus it's completely possible.  After all, I lost the same amount in almost the same time frame last year before I even had the band!

On a personal note, I had to put my cat down last weekend.  I adopted Grimace as a 3(ish) year old cat 9 years ago.  A month after I adopted him I found out he had diabetes insipidus (different than diabetes mellitus which is what people think of when they hear "diabetes").  But I had already fallen in love with him by then so the $100/month medication regimen and frequent vet visits just had to be done.  Over the years he had various close calls.  He developed an auto-immune disorder in 2005, pancreatitis in 2009 and then a few months ago was diagnosed with diabetes mellitus.  Long story short, he actually had pancreatic cancer that developed quickly. After having a seizure last weekend, we got that diagnosis and I knew I had to let him go.  My husband and I are both pretty devastated as the Grimace was basically our baby.  But I know we will adopt again.  After all, there are plenty of kitties out there who need rescuing.

I leave you with a picture of the Grimace: