3 Months!

It's been exactly 3 months since my surgery. It seems so long ago, but it also seems like no time has passed at all.

I got a phone call today from one of my dear friends who lives out of state. We were roommates in college for one semester and we've been extremely close (although not geographically) ever since. She is one of the few people who knows about my band. Well, it turns out her mother-in-law has been approved for surgery so she was asking me questions and stuff about my progress. And that got me thinking....

Sometimes I look at the fact that I've lost about 35 pounds since my initial consultation and am amazed. That's the most I've ever lost in such a short time frame. But then I consider that I lost 20 of that pre-op so only 15 in the 3 months since surgery. 5 lbs/month is okay... but am I really doing that great with a band? Then I tell myself that I've only had 2 fills. I have 4cc in my band. They told me from the get-go that most patients with my size band don't reach optimum level until 8cc's or so... that means I've got a ways to go and that means I'm probably doing okay considering the band isn't working at full capacity. Yeah, I talk to myself a lot. Back and forth. It's exhausting!

Despite my self-doubt, I will admit that I've made progress and I'm genuinely happy with how I'm doing. I've lost enough weight already that my clothes are fitting better, I'm fitting better in seats and such, people have noticed the loss. But I'm not losing so rapidly that people are questioning it. I can tell there's a difference already so I'm trying to keep the momentum going.

I'm ending 2010 weighing less than I started the year. I'm going to take that as a victory. For me that's actually a pretty significant victory.

I don't typically make New Year's Resolutions. I mean, I love that this is the time for retrospection and renewal and I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't tell myself "this will be the year" every freakin' year. But I really do think that 2011 will be a year of positive changes for me. Made possible by one positive change I made in 2010.

Happy New Year, everyone!

New Pants

Don't you just love going shopping in your own closet?

I'm sure I'm not alone when I admit that I have a good 3-4 size range in my closet. Which probably goes a long way in explaining how I can have a rack full of clothes, yet nothing to wear.

I've been wearing a size 24 pant for a couple of years now. Sort of. (I hate how even 2 pairs of pants bought at Lane Bryant won't fit the same way. ) Admittedly, I should try things on before I buy them, but I hate trying things on in the store so I buy it, take it home, try it on and if it fits, I wear it. If it doesn't fit, it eventually ends up in the closet hoping that it will fit "someday".

Anyway... most of my work pants are getting a little embarrassing. I've been able to pull them on and off without unbuttoning most of them for some time. Since surgery I've noticed that even my "tight" pants are looser. The pants that did fit, don't anymore and it just makes me look frumpy. Fat and frumpy is not a good combination.

Last week I found a pair of size 22 navy dress pants in my closet... tags still attached. With fingers crossed I tried them on. They fit! Comfortably! "Someday" is here for those pants!

Today I found a pair (also with tags still on) of size 24 khaki's that had previously not buttoned... slid them on and buttoned them up without issue. I'll have to unbutton them to take them off, but I think I can live with that!

Hmmm.... I have an adorable black dress in my closet that has never fit quite right. I wonder if it will be any better now. Maybe I've found a dress for New Year's... without having to bust out the credit card!

Let the festivities begin!

Tonight I'm having a party. I actually throw parties a lot... always a theme! For my birthday I have a murder mystery party every year and it's always a blast. More and more people join in every year. Last year I had 35 characters at the party! This year the company I get the mysteries from came out with a holiday murder mystery so I decided to do a special Christmas edition (but on a smaller scale since we clearly can't do an outdoor party in December in New England and my house can't comfortably hold 35 people at once!!) So, 15 of my friends and family are coming over tonight dressed as elves and reindeer. It's sure to be a riot. But, damn, parties are a lot of work. And a lot of food.

I learned how to throw a party from my mother. From her I learned that the worst thing that can happen at a party is to run out of food or have a guest go hungry because there is nothing there that they like. So, there is always variety and there is always enough so that everyone can have some of everything. This is a double edged sword because while it's nice to be known as a great hostess, it's tough to deal with leftovers. Over the years (and over the past few months especially)... I've gotten better about sending things home with people or just plain throwing it away. My best strategy is to leave everything out overnight. If I still want to eat the stuff that's been sitting open all night the next day... I've got bigger problems than I thought!

Right after I got banded I worried about how my social life would be affected. Would I still be able to throw the parties my guests are used to? Will I ruin it for myself because I have no self-control? Will people comment about my own changes in eating and make me uncomfortable? Will I not have much fun if I don't drink as much? The good news is, nothing's really changed. My Halloween party was a great success. Sure, I ate more candy than I probably should have, but it was infinitely better than past years. At game night a few weeks ago I didn't serve chips and dip (I lose all resolve around onion dip) and no one commented. And it turns out that no one actually pays all that much attention to what I do and don't eat at a party... or at least they don't say anything about it to me! I also learned I don't have to be drunk to have fun. Plus, drinking usually leads me to the chips and dip.

The one thing that still plagues me though is keeping myself in check during the prep. Party prep is insanely stressful for me. Every time I wonder why I put myself through it. The planning, the shopping, the cleaning, the cooking, the making sure everyone is having a good time, more cleaning... but at the end of the night after everyone has left well fed and happy, I realize it's actually worth it. But... during the stressful party prep period (which for me lasts a couple of days) I tend to eat. For distraction, as a stress reliever or just because party food is so much fun and tasty!

The reason I'm putting this out here in blogland is because yesterday and already this morning I've found myself sampling. Testing. Taking bites here and there. This has made me not hungry for my actual meals with actual nutritive value. The scale was kind to me the other day. I've got my official weigh-in tomorrow. I don't want to blow it with this mindless grazing. My plan for today is not eat any of the party food until the actual party. I will eat my planned meals today and hopefully that will help steer clear of the goodies.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about deprivation. (clearly!!) But if I'm going to enjoy an oreo truffle... I should wait until they're finished and savor one. I shouldn't snack on pizza toppings as I'm preparing dinner. I should wait until it's done and enjoy the complete experience. I will have snacks tonight, but there's no need to camp out in front of the cheese and crackers. I have cheese and crackers all the time... these ones aren't any different!

Okay... it's T-minus 10 hours until I have to have my house transformed into the North Pole. I still have favors to put together, a house to clean and a ton of food to prepare. Wish me luck! I hope everyone enjoys their weekend!!

Girls' Weekend

A while back my aunt decided that we should have a "Girls' Weekend". She invited all the ladies in the family (13 of us in total ranging in age from 8-80) to spend the night down at her beach house. Sounds like fun, right? Sure... but also anxiety inducing.

I love my family, don't get me wrong, but spending a weekend in close quarters with them seemed overwhelming. I like my space. I'm also at a weird age in my family. I'm too old to really "hang" with the younger cousins. (I'm 10 years older than my next oldest cousin) but I'm too young to hang with the "grown-ups". This is weird because my sister, who is only 19 months younger than me, has no trouble fitting in with either group... so I guess it's just me!

Also, my aunt can be somewhat judgemental. And it's only gotten worse the older I've gotten. Or maybe I've just noticed it more. She has definite opinions on what people should eat, when they should eat, how much or how little they should eat. And she's not afraid to share those opinions with everyone. I try to avoid that kind of discussion.

Anyway, the weekend wasn't horrible. We arrived at the house around 1pm and spent the afternoon painting pottery and eating. Then we went to a Christmas parade nearby where I got to meet up very briefly with my college roommate. (My aunt had a very tight schedule and that barely allowed for me to sneak off for 5 minutes to see my friend!). Then it was back to the house for dinner, more painting, movies, etc. I actually was quite full from all the snacking in the afternoon and did not partake in the pizza. Sure, I got questioned about it. But I was able to just say I wasn't hungry at the moment and I'd eat later. I didn't, of course, because my aunt was very quick to clean up. She's one of those people who will stand over you and whisk your plate off into the dishwasher before the last bite is even in your mouth!

I went to bed early and the next morning we woke up to a bountiful breakfast, played a game and thankfully were back on our way by 1pm! Just barely 24 hours of family time!

I didn't escape unscathed. My aunt literally backed me into a corner at one point shortly before we were leaving and "confronted" me about losing weight. It was more than a casual, 'you look good, have you lost weight?' sort of thing. It was uncomfortable, but I got through it. She always words such 'compliments' in a way that make me twitchy.

I had fun. It was nice to spend some time with my grandmother. It was nice to have so many cousins together doing fun things. And it was nice to finally get to see the beach house (I actually work during the summer so I'm never able to go down there with everyone else). But I'm glad to have that over with.

I'm overall pretty pleased with how I dealt with eating. I snacked. I enjoyed myself. But, I knew my limits and never once got to the point of physical discomfort. Despite my anxiety at being there I didn't eat to distract or soothe myself either so that's a plus.

I give the weekend an A- and myself an A.

Fill #2

It's been 4 weeks since my 1st fill. I wasn't as nervous about this one. I was only down about 3.5lbs from last time. Not great, but better than gaining, right? With 4cc in a 14cc band, I'm probably not even close to optimum fill level. The PA said I was doing well and that considering the band isn't offering me much in the way of restriction right now, losing 3.5lbs in a month basically on my own, over Thanksgiving, is nothing to feel guilty about. OK.

She said it will be another 3-4 fills before I'm "there". Today she added 1cc to bring me up to 5cc. So, liquids for a while, then soft foods and just in time for the "Girls' Weekend" coming up (future post), I'll be back on solids.

The fill was slightly different than last time. For starters, the PA did it and not the surgeon. Pain was minimal and tolerable. She said that it was weird because she got saline out even though she wasn't exactly in the port so I had some oddity of pooling saline outside the port. She found the port, withdrew all that was in there and put 5cc of fresh saline back in. No problem drinking water, surgeon popped in to say hi, good work, see you in 4 weeks. He's no nonsense. I like that about him.

So one thing I've noticed is that with both fills I got raging headaches afterwards. I'm not sure it's related to the fill itself though. Both times I'd not eaten at all during the day prior to my appt. (Residual behavior from my Weight Watcher days where I wouldn't' eat anything during the day prior to weighing in). That could be it. I think that next time I will force myself to eat breakfast the morning of and see if that makes a difference. Old habits die hard though....

Thankful.

Thanksgiving is behind me. That's good. I over did it to be sure... but it could have been a lot worse. I did a lot of grazing during the early part of the day, but a) not nearly as much as "normal" and b) I stopped when it got more than uncomfortable but not quite painful. Unfortunately it stayed uncomfortable for most of the day.

Head hunger is still my nemesis because countless times I picked up something to shove in my face and had to actually remind myself that I was not hungry.

I had 10 people over for dinner (I did not cook. I merely opened up my home because it had more room than my mom's place... she and my Dad did all the cooking! I can't take any credit for the fabulous meal we had). I only have 8 dinner plates. I'm not the math teacher in my family, but.... Fortunately I have a couple of larger plates that aren't part of the set so my Dad got to use one of those. (He eats his cereal from a serving bowl.... is it a wonder I have issues with portion control?!) I ate off of one of my small appetizer plates. No one commented, so hopefully everyone just thought it was because of the plate shortage.

For my meal I ate 2 stuffing muffins and a small amount of turkey and cranberries. My favorites only. I couldn't bear to stuff in any desserts so I stopped eating. I was uncomfortable, but I guess that means the band is doing its job... I just need to learn to work with it!!

My weight stayed the same for the last week. I had a good drop initially after my 1st fill... then a small gain and then no movement (which I consider a victory for Thanksgiving week!).

I have my next fill on Dec 6, so just a week away. It can't come soon enough for me. For one thing, given that I want to, can and sometimes do eat just about anything I want, I obviously didn't fall into the minority that is optimally filled right away. Also, I could use the jump start that the post-fill diet progression will give me.

I feel that I did pretty well overall at Thanksgiving. Hopefully this next fill will help me be even stronger over Christmas... that's a lot of parties.

Oh, tiny NSV to share.... I went to a concert with a friend this weekend. Not only was I able to walk up about 7 flights of stairs to the balcony while carrying on a conversation, I did not feel like I was invading her personal space in the seats. Oh sure, I was rubbing thighs with the lady on the other side of me (also a woman "of size"), but for the first time in a very long time I didn't feel like I was making my friends uncomfortable. It can only get better, right?

A Very Banded Thanksgiving

So much going through my head right now so this post is going to be in bullets.

• Not that I really expected it, but even after my 1st fill I feel no different. Next fill is scheduled for Dec 6th so we'll see how that goes. Dr. R told me it could take a while. I believe him. I'm not disappointed, but more concerned about what I'm able to eat.


• Which brings me to my next point... head hunger is winning. I eat when I'm not hungry. I thought I was doing better with that. Turns out I'm not. Actually, I guess I am doing better. I now only eat 2-3 pieces of pizza instead of the whole damn pie. But still, 2-3 pieces of pizza is way too much.


• I did get something yesterday that I hope will help me. I bought tiny forks and spoons. (technically they are "appetizer forks" and "espresso spoons"). My hope is that they will help me take smaller bites. I already eat off of appetizer sized plates. At the very least they're cute.


• I'm nervous about Thanksgiving. For years this was a brutal holiday for me. Gorging on appetizers, purging, going back for rounds 2-3 of turkey and stuffing, purging to make room for dessert... repeating for a few days with leftovers. For the past several years I've been able to keep myself from purging, but not the overeating. This year it's a whole new ballgame, though! We're having Thanksgiving at my house (and by that I mean, my parents are coming over to cook... it's just that my parents' house isn't big enough to accommodate the extra guests we have coming this year).


• My weight has been stagnant. (Not surprising given points 1 & 2 above! I lost initially after my fill, but this week nothing. I know it's way too early to call a plateau, but I'm worried that I'm screwing this up. Maybe it's just a cyclical thing. Right after surgery I had the same sort of issue. I lost a lot initially, but when I started eating normally again I gained a bit before losing more. I tend to worry before I need to. So I'll just try to take it as it comes.


• In NSV's... most of my workout clothes fit me better now. So I guess I have no excuse not to get my butt to the gym, right?

I hope that everyone who is celebrating has a Happy Thanksgiving! My nutritionist has a saying that she doesn't really care what we do on Thanksgiving and Christmas.... it's the days in between that she worries about. My goal is to keep myself in check tomorrow... but if I overdo it, to get right back on the horse on Friday.

My First NSV!

I'm married again!

For months now I have been unable to wear my wedding rings. They have sat in a small bowl on a cabinet in my kitchen since the last time I was able to wear them. I managed to pry them off without cutting the rings or dislocating my finger and told myself I wouldn't wear them again until they would slide onto (and off) my finger without cutting off circulation.

But they're on now and my finger isn't too sausage like. At least I can get them on and off without much effort.

It feels good.

1st Fill

At just under 6 weeks post-op I had my first fill yesterday. Now, I'm not squeamish when it comes to needles. But for some reason I was nervous about this appointment. I shouldn't have been.

I weighed in at 3.5 lbs less than my 1st post-op. So that's a total of 9lbs down after surgery. 9 lbs in 6 weeks is respectable considering I have no restriction yet.

Perhaps I was just lucky or perhaps it's because it was my first fill, but the surgeon did it himself rather than a PA. He was very good and explained everything that would happen before he did it.

Guess what... it wasn't that bad. A pinch at most. Very little pain while he poked around for the port. And he put 4cc in.

He explained to me that I have a 14cc band and that most patients don't find optimum restriction until around 8cc's or so. He also explained that they start small to avoid nausea. I'm cool with that. I'm not looking for instant gratification. Ok, well I am looking for instant gratification, but I understand that's not going to happen.

I was out of there in under 30 minutes so my parking was free which included time to get into the hosptial, wait for my appt and fill out some paperwork. Bonus! Hey, it's the little things.

So it's back to liquids and then I'll progress. I figure by the weekend I'll be back to normal... whatever my new normal is going to be at this fill level.

I did experience some nausea yesterday. I'm not sure if it was related to the fill or to the raging headache I had all day. The cup of soup I had for dinner didn't seem to cut it after a 14 hour day so I had to call it quits and retire to a completely dark bedroom.

I feel better now, but I still took the day off of work. And by taking the day off I mean working from home. I wonder if slimming down will allow me to feel less like I have to compensate so much.

Role Change

I had an appointment with my therapist this morning. We discussed my progress weight-wise, we discussed my issues with my job and my family and then she touched on something she immediately regretted mentioning at just 5 minutes before the end of our session. But given my reaction (spontaneous tears)... clearly we have our work cut out for us!

Our conversation this morning turned to the fact that people are probably going to treat me differently as I lose weight. I've been thinking about that all day now.

I guess that deep down I know that my interactions with people will change. I think I just really hoped they wouldn't. I've heard the stories about women who suddenly get attention from men once they lose weight. I'm not even talking about that... Although, the whole suddenly not being invisible phenomenon has crossed my mind. I sort of expect that... what I'm talking about is how those near and dear to me are going to react. And how I will handle those reactions.

As I work to lose 150+ lbs (yes, I realize that's pretty much a whole other person) I also need to work at not losing myself.

I certainly hope that I will be taken more seriously at work (whether it's my current job or another one) once I'm thinner. I also hope that social situations will be less awkward for me.

But what about my friends? I hadn't considered that there might be some fallout if I'm no longer "the fat friend"... you know, the one that people keep around to feel better about themselves and deal with their own insecurities? I don't have a fat friend. I am the fat friend. I've come to accept it. I don't love it... but, hey, it keeps me from being a recluse. But what will happen if I can no longer fill that role for people?

And what will happen if, God forbid, I'm not the fat sister anymore? My sister is barely 18 months younger than me. She's been up my ass since she was born. I love her to pieces, but I hated (and still do hate) feeling like I was inferior. It always seemed that she was just that much better than me. But, truth be told, we are both smart, we are both successful in our own rights, we are both decent people... but because she's the pretty one, she's just always had an edge. What will happen if she no longer gets to claim that distinction?

I don't mean to think too far ahead... I mean, I've barely lost 25lbs, so I still have a way to go to even my lowest adult weight... but I'm putting this out here now so you all can remind me when I lament down the road why some people seemed to have stopped talking to me. I hope that you will remind me that the problem isn't actually me.

I can not let myself fail just to make other people feel better. If friends, co-workers or family members have their self-worth tied up in me and my weight, that's not my issue. I can't make it my issue. Just like it's not their issue for me to have my self-worth tied up in what they think of me.

I'm taking this journey for myself. And I'm not going to sabotage myself just to keep peace.

Post-Op Visit

Well, I was supposed to have my first post-op 10-14 days after my surgery. But, my surgeon only has office hours at the satellite location on Mondays. It's kind of a hassle for me to drive into Boston to see him at the main hospital any other day. Since last Monday was a holiday in Massachusetts, I had to wait an extra week. So, I'm 19 days post-op and already on the next food stage. (I didn't mention that I actually started that about 4 days earlier than I was supposed to) I was just so sick of shakes and wanted desperately to chew something!

I'm doing very well though. Not a lick of nausea. No vomiting at all. Minimal soreness only where the port is now. The incisions are healing nicely. I had an issue with numbness in my right thigh. Very weird. I noticed it when I got home from the hospital. The good Dr. R told me that it was likely an uncommon side effect from how I was laying on the operating table. I probably did something to a nerve and it will take a few weeks to heal. It is getting better, and I'm glad it's not something completely off the wall. Seriously, given the fact that I had next to no pain throughout this, I'll take the occasional dead leg for a few weeks.

I have to say I was a little disappointed in my weight, though. Only down 5.5 lbs from my pre-op weight. I had actually been down about 15 as of last week, but then I started on soft foods and gained weight steadily throughout the week. He didn't seem overly concerned, nor did the dietitian so I'm just going to chalk it up to my bizarre metabolism and remind myself that this time is about healing, not losing weight. If I look at it as I've lost 25 lbs since June 7, that makes me feel slightly better.

I got the all clear to resume cardio activities at the gym. Still no weights over 15lb (which means I can safely pick up the cat now). And in 3 weeks I'll go back for my first fill. I guess that's when the fun begins.... when this thing inside me gets "turned on".

I'm hoping the weight thing will at least stabilize after next week when I start eating "real food". And I'm banking on the idea that getting my activity level back up will help as well. I saw the bill that was sent to insurance for this little procedure and all told it cost just north of $40,000. Yikes. As happy as I am to "stick it" to my husband's former company (whose health plan we are still on for the next month) and have this done on their dime... I'd really hate to feel like I wasted that much money... even if it wasn't my money. So I'm going to refocus my energies... make sure I track, measure and follow the rules.

Thanks, everyone, for the words of encouragement! It's so helpful in this process.

One Week

One week ago today I was sitting in admitting waiting to be prepped for surgery. It feels like time has flown by, but also crawled. Weird phenomenon.

I've been doing okay this week. Hardly any pain. Soreness, but not actual pain. I haven't even taken any Tylenol since I got home. One thing, though... when they tell you not to lift anything over 10-15 lbs... yeah, that includes an 11 pound cat. I had to take the Grimace to the vet yesterday. I put him in his travel bag rather than the crate because I knew it would be easier for me to handle. But I must have picked him up wrong because my largest incision started to hurt more yesterday after I got home. Feels okay now, but lesson learned.

My incisions itch like crazy. Words can not even being to describe how badly I want to use my long manicured fingernails to scratch the hell out of my stomach. But I'm resisting.

I'm so beyond sick of the liquids. I haven't chewed anything for almost 10 days. And since I'm housebound for the most part, I've been watching a lot of TV... and have been tortured by commercials for pizza and fried chicken. I'm not even all that hungry. I just want pizza. And fried chicken. And a cheeseburger. (Guess who still has a lot of brain work to do!)

Fortunately the family dinner we were supposed to have last weekend was postponed to this weekend. My mom is going to make me soup for the Saturday night fete. But on Sunday or Monday we are going out to eat for my father's birthday. There will be 7 of us. My parents, my sister and her husband, me and my husband and my cousin. Everyone but my cousin knows what I've done. I've asked my father to pick a place he wants to eat at by today so that I have time to make a plan as to what I will order. I'm moving myself to my doctor's Stage 3 diet a few days early so I can have something other than soup. I've been doing so well. I think that I will be okay. And if it turns out I'm not, I certainly won't push it. I'm pretty sure rushing from the table to throw up will garner a bit more attention than me ordering something completely uncharacteristic for me.

I've been trying to enjoy not working this week. It's hard. I've put in about 3 hours on Mon and Tues. And feel guilty about only doing that much. I'm on vacation! I have 120 hours accrued so far. I can only carry over 80 of those hours and I'm still going to accrue another 48 hours. I think I deserve the downtime. Why can't I give it to myself? (I guess food isn't the only issue I need to work on!)

Well, that's my update for the week. I feel truly lucky that I've been doing so well post-operatively. Fingers crossed that this continues!

Oh, and I'm down over 10 lbs from my pre-op appointment which means I've lost over 30 lbs since my initial consultation.... almost at the 10% mark. Yay me! It's nice to see the scale start with a 2-- instead of a 3--. I haven't seen that in quite some time.

I did it!

The headline is that I'm home and I'm banded. For the gory details... read on.

I went to bed nice and early on Tuesday night. No trouble sleeping so that's good. Woke up to the realization that I had started my period. Really? Nothing for 5 months then the day I'm supposed to have surgery it makes an appearance? Someone's idea of a joke? So that just added a fun dimension to the whole experience.

We got the hospital right on time and I was brought back to the pre-op holding area around 7:45. I was fortunate enough to be in a my own room as opposed to the large room with just curtains separating everyone. My husband was with me and was a trooper through the whole thing. Everyone coming in to ask questions, start the IV and whatnot. They took me into the OR a little before 9:30. As they wheeled me away I started to feel buzzed. I asked if they already gave me something and was told yes. Nice.

I clearly remember scooting myself over to the operating table, getting the pressure boots put on (like a massage on my legs... very nice) and an oxygen mask being pushed onto my face. The next thing I remember was being on the move again and someone telling me it was over. I remember asking if I did okay and was told yes. I then remember crying. I was so cold and shivering so much that it hurt. I don't remember when I opened my eyes again, it was some time later and I was in the recovery room.

Surprisingly I was not in much pain. I expected more pain. It really just felt like I had overdone it at the gym. I was just sore. And my throat hurt from the breathing tube. All I wanted was something to drink... but that wasn't going to happen.

I hung out in recovery for over 4 hours because my room wasn't ready yet. That was annoying. By the time I got up to my room I really just wanted to go to the bathroom and (sorry for the TMI) get out of the pad I'd been wearing since pre-op and switch to a tampon. Because the nurse didn't have a chance to evaluate me yet to see if I could stand up and go the bathroom by myself she was going to get me a bed pan. I said I'd hold it. She didn't want me to hold it. I cried and begged for just a little bit of dignity. This was not a good way for me to start off behaving, but I didn't really care at that point.

She got me up and it was clear I could do this on my own. So I got myself cleaned up and into my own undies thank goodness, then back to bed. Nurse Ashley and I made up after that.

My hubby went home around 6pm. He had to get home to take care of the cat who had his own hospital visit scheduled for Thursday morning. I didn't want him to go but the kitty needed him.

I was doing well. Not much pain still, hardly used the pain meds at all. Tired and sore. And thirsty. So ridiculously thirsty. My sister came to visit me (yeah, my mom told my sister) and I asked her to sneak me in some water so I could at least rinse my mouth. After she left they finally let me take tiny sips of water. Phew. Basically a shot of water every hour. But better than nothing!

I slept okay. Off and on, but mostly because people kept coming in to take vitals or give me shots of heparin.

Thursday morning I went down for a GI to make sure everything was in the right place. Yup... then I could move on to Stage 2... proteins shakes, broth and jello. Yum. No lie they brought me 3 trays over the course of the day. It was a little overwhelming. I did as much as I could and by 5pm they felt I was doing well enough on my intake to be discharged.

I'm not going to lie... the pain is much worse now. I think all the movement from getting home did a number on me. I couldn't handle the stairs to go to bed last night so I slept on the couch. I'm trying to get myself up and moving at least once an hour. I'm just taking Tylenol for the pain. I got the "good stuff" they prescribed me just in case, but I've never enjoyed taking Percocet so I will only take that if in dire straits. That said, the pain isn't unbearable. It just hurts when I switch positions. I don't even think I have much in the way of gas pain. This is me knocking on wood!

Well, there you have it. My adventure. I honestly don't feel any different inside. I feel like a truck ran over my gut, but it feels very superficial. I have 5 tiny incisions and 1 bigger one which I'm assuming is the port. They itch like hell right now. I desperately want to take a shower and scrub them off... but I will resist.

So that's the beginning of my little adventure. Tomorrow I have the pleasure of a family bday party. It's for my cousin and at my mom's house. If anyone asks, I've had a stomach bug for a few days and that's why I'm only eating soup and why I will likely go home early.

Thanks everyone for the well wishes!

Tomorrow!

I'm nervous and excited. I just confirmed my surgery and reporting time with the hospital. I'm on the schedule for 9:30am which means I have to arrive at 7:30. That's nothing for me since I usually start work around 6:30, but the husband is going to have a little difficulty with this one.

Friday I had my pre-op appt. Just some paperwork, some labs, a physical exam and a bunch of questions. (Mostly theirs)

Yesterday I had my final appt with my surgeon. I'm down 20 lbs since I first met with him in June. Not quite the 32 he set as my goal for pre-operative weight loss. Perhaps he's cutting me slack since they bumped me up 6 weeks, or perhaps the goal was lofty to begin with. I don't care 20 lbs is 20 lbs. He told me I had done great. I told him to rest up Tuesday night.

I did okay with the pre-operative diet. Of course, I only did it for a week. (My surgeon normally requires 2 weeks, but as you know, they only told me last week of the new date). I only felt really hungry/deprived one day this week. Last night I really really wanted pizza, but told myself to stick it out. Yay for me. Hopefully that mindset sticks for the next 4 weeks while I make the progression back to "real" solid food.

I've done all the research I could. I think I'm ready. But I have Ativan at the ready in case I start to freak out. I'm not overly nervous about the procedure itself. I'm actually most anxious about the fact that I'm going to be pretty nekkid for most of tomorrow. But if that's the worse thing that can happen, I suppose I'm doing ok.

Now that I've left you with that visual.... Wish me luck for tomorrow! I'll update when I'm on the other side!

Surprise!

Hopefully I can type this out because, I kid you not, my hands are shaking.

I just got a phone call from my surgeon's office. It seems that they had an opening in the OR schedule and asked if I wouldn't mind bumping up my date. Ok. Yeah... next week. As in Sept 29th. 7 days from today. I said, "OK, but I haven't done the pre-op diet or anything." She said, "Oh just do that for 2 days prior." So the 2 week thing they normally make people do is for naught? I'm going to do the standard pre-op for the remainder of the time at least because I want to do everything I can to shrink that liver and keep this laparoscopic!

Anyway, so that means I have 7 weeks worth of prep to do in 3 days at work. My boss is being super supportive about this sudden change. (He knows I'm having surgery and had planned to take 2 weeks off from work - he does not know what kind of surgery). But that just makes me feel guilty because I am taking the most inopportune time off. And I'm doing it with very little notice. I work in the financial industry and not only is it a monthly close, but a quarterly close as well. This is the first time in 12 years of working there that I have put my own schedule ahead of the company's.

So, I have a regularly scheduled appt with the surgeon on Monday. That will be my final pre-op appt with him. They're trying to get me an appt with the anesthesiologist for this week. Then next Wednesday I'm getting banded! Yikes!

The good news is that this shortened prep time gives me less time to second guess myself and overthink things.

Okay. I'm slightly calmer.

I want to wish everyone going to the BOOBS extravaganza this weekend a fun and safe trip. I can't wait to hear all the reports. I think this is an amazing event and hope to be part of the next one!

Some People!

First of all, thanks to Grace & Nicole for nominating me for awards this past week. I will get on that... I'm just happy people are reading my random ramblings. The information and advice I am getting on here is invaluable! Thank you, all.

I have a rambling today that isn't directly band-related, but it's upsetting me to the point where I'm making bad food decisions so maybe I should blog it out.

I was at my mother's house yesterday for a Pampered Chef show. The funny thing is, I don't cook. I can cook. Well, I can follow a recipe and prepare a meal that won't necessarily kill anyone. But, as a rule, I don't cook. However, I own just about every item in the catalog! Go figure.

Anyway, I had done pretty well at the show food-wise. Ate mostly shrimp, and only tasted small portions of the dishes prepared at the demonstration. I drank only water even though I really wanted the beer too. When the show was over it was just a few ladies (my mom's friends) hanging around chatting.

One lady from my mom's church started telling this story about a house they looked at and how oddly shaped and small the bathroom was. To illustrate her point she said, looking at me, "no offense to you, but you probably would not have been able to fit in there." Really? How could I take offense to that, right? I ignored it and let her carry on with her story. Because that's what I do. I just thought about it constantly. So that's when I started in on the chips and dip (my arch-nemesis), the brownies and an entire pizza when I got home. I hate myself a little right now. Esepcially since that one escapade pretty much erased the progress I had made on the scale the past 2 weeks. And I have a weight check with my surgeon in a little over a week.

So, I'm mad at that woman for having the audacity to say something like that IN FRONT OF ME. I don't doubt for a second that people talk smack about me. But, we kind of got the point of how small this bathroom was without you comparing me to the size of a room. And I'm mad at myself for letting that comment send me on a feeding frenzy.

Why are people so clueless? And why am I so sensitive?

Thanks for letting me vent. Today is a new day. I'm trying to build a bridge and get over it. I skipped my family breakfast this morning. I have a day of healthy meals planned. I'm going to yet another home sales party tonight dealing with food. But I'm pretty confident I can get in and get out without major diet destruction. (It's at my boss's house so I can't really skip it. But I can bow out early.) Perhaps I just need to avoid the scale and mirrors for a while to keep my mind off of it.

I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

A final shout-out to Nicole at A Little Bit Less of Me who is getting banded tomorrow! So exciting!

Plan for Success

Now that I have a date and this is looking like it's going to happen... Rather than worry that I'm setting myself up for failure, I've decided that I need to actually plan to succeed. I know that no one actually sets out to be unsuccessful, but I'm sure I'm not alone when I admit that there have been times when I'd just half-ass things and hope for the best.

Way back when I first started reading all the wonderful band blogs, I came across this post from Catherine at Chronicles from Bandland. I've taken some time to actually document a few concrete plans and commitments that I think will be necessary to succeed at this.

Journal/Plan. I know that I do better when I write it down. I will commit to being better about making a menu, which leads to a grocery list and then track my meals afterward. I will not be so hung up on how I do that. Some weeks I might track on my iPhone, some weeks I might do it on paper. I think the important thing is to just do it. I've always been the most successful when I track.

Exercise. Not only is weight loss going to be more difficult without exercise, I am surely going to be left with significant sagging unless I build muscle and tone up along the way. I will commit to hitting the gym 4 days a week and strive to take a class. I'm actually okay about exercise now. I do go 2-3 days a week as it is. But I'm committing to doing it more and making it a priority. Hopefully once my husband is once again among the gainfully employed, I can loosen the budget up a bit to go back to a trainer.

Set up a Reward System. Let's face it, I'm materialistic. And I need prizes. I don't know what I will do to reward myself along the way, but I will figure something out.

Make use of Resources. I have a lot of support. I just tend to not take full advantage. My PCP, therapist, nutritionist, everyone from my surgeon's office, this blog... I know they are there to help me. I will take advantage of it and try not to feel super needy and pathetic in doing so.

Enjoy Life. Part of why I am doing this is to feel better about myself. My weight has held me back and kept me from doing a lot and from enjoying a lot. I will remember to get back in there as I progress. One particular thing that I've been avoiding is marching band. I was in marching band in high school and college. I loved it. I miss it. There are community bands in the area I could join, but I haven't done it because of the humiliation I know I'd face from not having a uniform to fit me. As I lose weight and get down to a "normal" size, I will join a marching band again.

I welcome suggestions and I will surely update this as I get closer and make some more definite goals.

It's a date.

So, I have a date. I am scheduled to get banded on Wednesday, November 17th. Just about 12 weeks away. I have a weight check on 9/21 then pre-op on 11/2. On 11/3 I will begin the official pre-op diet.

Here's the thing. I'm thrilled with the date. It's within my insurance coverage/approval period and it's far enough out that it still gives me plenty of time to prepare mentally and physically. I'll have a few extra days of recuperation built in because my office is closed on Thanksgiving and the day after Thanksgiving. But this does put me at Day 8 post-op on Thanksgiving Day. No stuffing muffins for Kiki this year.

That's not even the problem. The problem is that I'm not so sure I will be able to follow through with my plan to not tell my family. Hmmm.... what to do, what to do.

Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I really do and I have no doubt that they would be supportive. My mother actually had gastric bypass in 2002 and has successfully managed to lose (and keep off) about 150 pounds. I just worry that they will end up being too supportive. They will worry about me too much, ask too many questions, become the food police, be watching me too closely and just end up making me uncomfortable and angry. I know it would be out of a place of love, but sometimes I just need to be left alone. I'm not a big fan of being the center of attention, positive or negative. This will be something of an attention getter. I can feign illness for the day. But I may just have to come to terms with the fact that I have to tell my family and I have to be able to ask for space and trust that they can give it to me.

What did you all do about telling people about your surgery? Did you shout it from the rooftop, did you keep this to yourself? Did you only tell certain people? How did people react?

It's not my intention to pull a Star Jones. I don't intend to deny it. I'm not ashamed of having this surgery. I'm ashamed of needing it. My husband knows of course and I have 2 close friends who know. Only because I know they don't and won't judge me. At work they know I'll be out for a week or so for surgery... but they don't know and don't have to know what kind of surgery. I work with a bunch of men, if there's even the slightest whiff that the surgery is for female issues they won't ask about it!

Down the road I'm sure I'll get "have you lost weight?" questions, but it's not unusual for me to go up and down in size. I've gained and lost a lot of weight in my 12 years at the company! My immediate family also knows of my eating disordered past so they're pretty good about not mentioning my weight around me. My extended family... well, not so much.

The good news is this definitely gets me out of spending any turkey time with my in-laws. I will give a great big thanks for that!

Already?

I've felt lucky in that I've never really worried about insurance approval in this process. My current plan with Harvard Pilgrim covers the surgery with medical necessity. My BMI is about 47 and I have comorbidities up the ying. Seriously, if I don't qualify there is something wrong with the process. Once I got the green light with the psych eval I wasn't concerned at all about insurance holding up the works.

Anyway... I'd been playing phone and email tag with my PCP for a couple of weeks trying to get a "letter of medical necessity". I knew the surgeon would need it and I need it to get some of my related expenses reimbursed through my flexible spending account.

I got a call from my PCP's nurse on Thursday saying that she had written the letter and sent it to me. Great. I stalked my mailbox. Didn't come Friday. Didn't come Saturday. My husband called me Monday to tell me that I had received something from the dr's office in the mail. I knew that was it.

Just for shits and giggles I logged on to my account with Harvard Pilgrim. Apparently I have already been approved for the surgery. Huh? I hadn't even sent my dr's note to the surgeon's office yet. So I'm not sure if my PCP made the request herself on behalf of the hospital (her practice is affiliated with the hospital) or she sent the letter to the surgeon and they already submitted the request or what. But it looks to me like I'm approved. It says "approved" three times on the page.

I'm not going to lie. When I saw that on the screen, I got butterflies in my stomach. This might actually happen. Yikes!

So now I have to get in touch with the surgeon's office to confirm all this and see when they can give me an actual date. Of course the billing coordinator was out today so I will try again tomorrow. Timing is everything because I'm going to lose this insurance plan on November 30th.

It's a long story, but my husband was laid off in May 2009 and our COBRA coverage ends in November. I can get insurance through work, but my company's plan is just awful. We are actually spending less money paying the COBRA premiums than we would getting insurance through my company and paying the higher co-pays, coinsurance, deductibles and pharmacy. Plus, it covers to nothing. Certainly not Lap-Band! There's a chance that my husband will be offered a full time job in October at the company he his temping for. But that's not guaranteed at this point.

So, there we go. I'm just a bundle of emotions at the moment... anxious, scared and excited all at the same time!

Worries and Doubts

This is a self-indulgent post for me to try to make sense of the "thought tornado" in my unmedicated mind.

I've been going along on this journey knowing full well that I can stop at any time. When my PCP first suggested that I look into it in April she told me that very thing. Until the anesthesia takes effect I can change my mind.

I'm 95% sure that Lap-Band is the right thing for me to do and that I will do it. I'm only 90% sure that I can do it. Is that normal? Am I just setting myself up for failure if I'm not 100% convinced I can do it?

I still have concerns about how successful I can be with a Lap-Band. I've ultimately failed at every other attempt to lose weight, what makes me so sure that I won't fail at this, too? Maybe I just haven't found the right method of lasting weight loss that will work for me. Maybe the Lap-Band is exactly what I need and in 2 years I will be one of the amazing success stories! I won't know if I don't try. But it's a pretty big undertaking for "maybe".

Anyway, Grace over at Grace's Fat Chance bravely wrote about something yesterday that illustrated my biggest concern/fear/worry for myself. Her post has prompted me to put this out there.

I've not been shy about the fact that I've struggled with bulimia in the past. I engaged in the behaviors at least as far back as high school but never had a name for it until after I graduated from college. I've been hospitalized for it twice. I've been in treatment for over 10 years. I haven't purged since July 2007. I can't tell you the last time I had an honest-to-goodness binge. I've been trying to not focus on numbers. I've tried to stay off the scale. I've tried not to count calories, points, fat grams, etc. Getting hung up on the numbers tends to get me into trouble. I'm an accountant by trade... over analyzing numbers is what I do. I try to leave that at the office.

Lately, though, I have been focusing on numbers... having to lose a certain amount of weight before such and such a date. Getting weighed a lot more often. Having more focus on my food selections. Once I'm banded, I will most definitely need to pay strict attention to what I'm eating. My fear is that all this focus will turn into obsession again and bring me back to where I was. Or send the pendulum swinging the entire other way. I could just as easily see me turning to restriction, becoming an obsessive exerciser or not know when to stop losing weight.

I know this is something I need to bring up with my therapist. I've just been afraid that if the doctors know I'm having these thoughts they'll flat out say I can't have the surgery. I don't want to lie. But I don't want to blow a chance at lasting success. Especially if I'm just being silly.

Intellectually I know I am in a good position to be successful. I know what I'm getting into. I know what I need to do to be successful. I have a good support system. I have a medical team that I trust and respect. I have a husband who loves me like I can't even believe. I have a family who loves me and has the best of intentions, even if their execution is sometimes hit or miss. I am in a much better place than I was 10, 5 or even 3 years ago. I've come a long way. I owe it to myself to try, right?

Okay, I feel better getting this off my chest. I'm up to about 93% sure on the confidence meter. Thank you!

Slowly... but surely

Okay, so after my meltdown after my nutrition appointment, I "buckled down". I knew there was no way on earth I'd lose the 11 lbs I needed to in order to reach 50% of my surgeon's pre-op weight loss goal for me in time for my next visit with him. Even before I found out that I had actually gained weight I knew I would be hard pressed to lose that amount in 4 weeks. For those of you with PCOS, you know how painfully slow the weight comes off even under the best of circumstances. (I hate using terms like "being good").

Anyway... I was quite nervous about my check-in. I just didn't want Dr. R to think I wasn't trying.... to give me that "disappointed look". (The same look my piano teacher would give me when she knew damn well I hadn't practiced all week!)

The appointment went surprisingly well. I ended up being down another 5 lbs for a total of 10 lbs lost since I first saw him in June (9 weeks). Then he surprised me... he told me that he thought he could put me on the schedule. He's booking 2-3 months out so he figures he can put me on the schedule and I can continue losing to meet my pre-op goal. He cautioned that if I were to gain weight in the meantime, they'd have to postpone. Fair enough. So, I will call his assistant tomorrow to make sure they have all the insurance nonsense they need.

Once I have an actual date I can figure out what to do about work, insurance and whatnot.

Thanks, everyone, for the comments. I love reading everyone's blogs. They are such a great source of inspiration, hope and knowledge. It's helping me feel not so alone in this.

Losin' It!

Sadly, the title of this post does not reflect the scale, but rather my mind!

For the past 2 weeks since my last surgeon visit, I've been diligently working on doing things I need to get through the next hurdle on the road to Lap-Band. I've been focusing on taking a multi-vitamin and calcium. I've been trying to slow down the pace, take smaller bites and chew better. I'm looking at this as practice. I've also been trying really hard to make better food choices and to exercise regularly. As of my last vist, I needed to drop 11 more pounds to even get put on the schedule.

I can't stress enough how unreasonable I don't think that is. (did everyone follow all those negatives?) At the information session I went to for the hosptial program there were a number of people who were up in arms about the pre-operative weight loss requirement. I remember thinking, "Really? You're looking for these dr's to allocate time, skill and energy to perform a surgery that is going to help you lose weight and you're balking when they ask you to just get a jump start on it?" That was the moment when I knew that I was actually in an okay frame of mind to pursue this.

I'm not so sure anymore.

I had an appointment today with my "regular" nutritionist (as opposed to the WLS nutritionist). I have been seeing her (more on than off) since 1994. She helped me not gain the Freshmen 15 in college. She's helped me understand a lot about nutrition. She's helped me with my eating disorder. For the past couple of years I just have regular check-ins with her every 6 weeks or so to monitor my weight and talk about things I'm doing right/wrong etc. Basically to keep me from traveling back down Eating Disorder Boulevard.

Well, her scale says I'm up. 1 lb, but up. Up from the last time I saw her, which was before the 5 lb loss I saw at the surgeon's office. I know that all scales are different. I know that weighing yourself at different times of the day will result in variances. I get it. But I just lost it right there in her office. So, not only have I gained weight according to her records, but I've gained back everything I lost in the interim too. All this while I believed I was working extra hard.

I told her that I was, frankly, pissed off at what the scale said. I showed her my food log. I don't lie in my food log. It doesn't do anybody any good for me to misrepresent what I'm eating. But if you look at it, I'm not eating all that much. And what I do eat tends to be something with actual nutritive value. I've also stepped up my time at the gym (not back to where I was 2 years ago but more than I had been doing lately). What am I doing wrong!?!?

She helped me to see a few areas I could make adjustments and I will try some of those suggestions. But I'm still so upset. I'm either not trying as hard as I think I am or my body is not cooperating with my efforts. Either way, I'm trying very hard not to see this all as a personal failure.

I'm just not feeling very hopeful at the moment.

Fortunately, the husband will be home soon and we will go to the gym. Fingers crossed for those endorphines all the kids are raving about.

Getting There

Today I had a follow-up appt with my surgeon - a "weight check". He wants me to lose about 32 lbs pre-operatively. Which is understandable. 10%. Not a lot. But if you compare it to a lot of other people having the surgery... yeah, it's a lot. But I have to stop comparing myself to others. It's an old habit. I'm working on it!

Anyway... I had been fearing/dreading this appt since I made it. The pounds don't come off so easily for me (shocking...no one else that problem, right?). I had 5 weeks from my initial consult with Dr. Robinson to show some "progress". I didn't know how much progress he expected. Frankly, at the rate I had been going prior to my consult... if I didn't gain any weight in those 5 weeks, that was progress as far as I was concerned!!

The moment of truth came... I hopped on the scale and hoped for the best. I was down 5lbs. Meh. It was what I expected based on my scale at home. I was glad it was as much as it was, but I really hoped for better. Mostly because I didn't want him to think I was wasting his time. Believe me, I earned every one of those 5lbs lost. Thankfully he seemed pleased. Even told me to "keep up the good work".

He told me that once patients have lost 1/2 of their pre-operative weight, they get put on the schedule for surgery. Presumably much of the rest of the weight is lost during the pre-operative diet phase (all liquids plus 1 meal a day for 2 weeks before surgery). I should go back in 4 weeks for another check.

So that's where I am now.

Amusing to note... the magazine left in the exam room was People's 50 Hottest Bodies issue. That's just mean.

Picture Time!

I know, every good blog needs pictures. Unfortunately, as is the case with most people my size, pictures are pretty hard to come by. Oh sure... there are plenty of photos with my hand covering my face, me turned away, or me hiding behind someone (what do you mean, I was in the picture... see, that's my hair!)

I suppose it would be good to document the before. My whole life has been a before picture. I'd like to finally be an after. Or even a during.

Here's me at my high school graduation. Yikes. That's painful to look at! I weighed 299lbs when I graduated high school. That was horrifying to me. My doctor referred me to a nutritionist to work with in preparation of going away to college and being on my own for the 1st time. That was in 1994. I still see her.


Thanks to an expansive campus, marching band and bulimia I left college at my lowest adult weight of approx 220lbs. This is a picture of me at a friend's wedding in Vegas in 1999. (I'm in the blue on the far left)
I distinctly remember feeling so hideous that day. I look at this picture now and would give anything to be that hideous again.


Here's me on my wedding day.
This was in 2005 (and also in Vegas in case the Elvis impersonator didn't give that away). This is not my highest weight. I weighed in at 319lbs not too long after the wedding. Wow... 100 lbs gained since I got out of school.

I just noticed that the bride and groom from the previous picture are behind my shoulder in my wedding photo! We both got married in Vegas. They did not have Elvis.

Anyway, since then I've gone down and up and up and down. And up. At my 1st meeting with the surgeon I weighed in at 326lbs. Not my highest (which was in the 330's) but pretty darn close.

And that's why I'm working for the Lap-Band. I've spent my entire life heavy. I've tried everything imaginable. Every diet in my mother's women's magazines... Weight Watchers (went to my first meeting with my mother when I was in 6th grade)... Working with a medical team.... Diet pills... Bulimia... Becoming a gym rat and working with a personal trainer. Nothing was long lasting. Is this my last chance? Or am I just not trying as hard as I think I am?

So far...

Well, in case somewhere down the road someone is searching for information about the process for lap-band surgery, I'm going to talk about my experiences so far.

I am fortunate enough to live near Boston which is home to some of the best hospitals in the world. I had a lot of choices. My PCP's practice is affiliated with Brigham & Women's Hospital so I was referred there initially. I looked into some other places as well, but eventually ended up back at BWH.

The first thing I did was attend the informational seminar. That was not what I expected. I don't know exactly what I was expecting, but I walked out of there with more information than I thought I'd have. They not only went over the actual procedures offered, but went into a lot of detail in terms of nutritional support and insurance requirements.

The next day, before I lost my nerve, I called the surgeon's office to make an appointment for a consult. The soonest they could book me for that was 2 months out. That gave me plenty of time to think, plan, and read so many wonderful blogs!

When the time came for the surgical consult I met with the surgeon's PA for a thorough history and brief exam. (Nothing "shave worthy".) Then I met with the surgeon. He went over some of the expectations they have for patients. He went over my reasons for wanting to have the procedure, what my expectations were and what his concerns were. Then he told me that his assistant would be in touch in the next few days to set up follow-up appointments.

Two days later I got a call from the sweetest girl ever to set up appointments with the program dietitian, for an upper GI and the psych evaluation. Luckily those could all be scheduled on the same day a week later. That meant only 1 day out of work.

The meeting with the dietitian went well. I've been under the supervision of a nutritionist for years so I was mostly prepared for things she had to say. But she did go over the pre-op and post-op diets with me. And offered suggestions to work around my food preferences.

Then it was off to have the upper GI. More uncomfortable than anything else. I certainly wouldn't want to do it again! But, fortunately, no issues with my esophagus or stomach.

Finally, the psych evaluation. That was the one I'd been dreading. I wasn't sure I'd get a green light. I was very up front with all of the doctors from the beginning. I have a history with depression (including attempted suicide) and bulimia. I have been stable for many years, I am in treatment for it, but I didn't try to hide any of these facts. The doctor doing my psych eval told me that he just wanted to talk to my own therapist and as long as she thought I was ok to do this, he would sign off on it. He told me that my history put me in a "higher risk category", but that this was probably my best chance.

Now that that's all done, I have a follow up with the surgeon scheduled in 4 weeks. He expects some weight loss by then. He wanted me to lose 10% of my body weight pre-operatively. He doesn't expect me to lose it all by the next time he sees me, but he expects some progress. I'm ok with that.

I don't think insurance approval will be an issue. I've checked with my provider and they do cover lap-band with medical necessity. With a BMI of 49, sleep apnea, high cholesterol and PCOS, I think the medical necessity is there. My PCP is 100% on board.

For now I'm just working on losing some weight before my next appt. I'm trying to prepare myself for life post-band. I'm working on slowing down my eating, chewing better, taking smaller bites and I'm in the market for a liquid vitamin or chewable that isn't the consistency of the Flintstones chewables.

If anyone reads this and has suggestions, I'd love to know what vitamins other people take. Also what protein drinks people use and like. I'm not a big milk drinker so I know I'm going to have a problem in that area. My surgeon requires a 2 week pre-op diet that is 2 liquid meals and 1 small "normal" meal. Then the standard clear liquid to full liquid to mushies progression post-op.

An experiment...

Confession: this is my very first blog post EVER.

I hope to use this blog as an outlet, a way to get support and to keep me focused as I embark on what I hope is my final attempt to lose weight. I'm in the process now of completing insurance and surgeon requirements to have Lap-Band surgery.

I know the research, the studies and I've seen the statistics. They've drilled it into my head that the average weight loss for Lap-Band patients is 40-50% of their excess weight. Less than half of what I need to lose? Hmmm... That's still pretty good, though, since I might lose -10% without this. But is that the best I can do? I've read a lot of blogs written by Bandsters and for the most part, everyone is doing quite well. That got me thinking... are only the successful people blogging, or does blogging help with success?

I'm going with the hypothesis that blogging contributes to success!