Losin' It!

Sadly, the title of this post does not reflect the scale, but rather my mind!

For the past 2 weeks since my last surgeon visit, I've been diligently working on doing things I need to get through the next hurdle on the road to Lap-Band. I've been focusing on taking a multi-vitamin and calcium. I've been trying to slow down the pace, take smaller bites and chew better. I'm looking at this as practice. I've also been trying really hard to make better food choices and to exercise regularly. As of my last vist, I needed to drop 11 more pounds to even get put on the schedule.

I can't stress enough how unreasonable I don't think that is. (did everyone follow all those negatives?) At the information session I went to for the hosptial program there were a number of people who were up in arms about the pre-operative weight loss requirement. I remember thinking, "Really? You're looking for these dr's to allocate time, skill and energy to perform a surgery that is going to help you lose weight and you're balking when they ask you to just get a jump start on it?" That was the moment when I knew that I was actually in an okay frame of mind to pursue this.

I'm not so sure anymore.

I had an appointment today with my "regular" nutritionist (as opposed to the WLS nutritionist). I have been seeing her (more on than off) since 1994. She helped me not gain the Freshmen 15 in college. She's helped me understand a lot about nutrition. She's helped me with my eating disorder. For the past couple of years I just have regular check-ins with her every 6 weeks or so to monitor my weight and talk about things I'm doing right/wrong etc. Basically to keep me from traveling back down Eating Disorder Boulevard.

Well, her scale says I'm up. 1 lb, but up. Up from the last time I saw her, which was before the 5 lb loss I saw at the surgeon's office. I know that all scales are different. I know that weighing yourself at different times of the day will result in variances. I get it. But I just lost it right there in her office. So, not only have I gained weight according to her records, but I've gained back everything I lost in the interim too. All this while I believed I was working extra hard.

I told her that I was, frankly, pissed off at what the scale said. I showed her my food log. I don't lie in my food log. It doesn't do anybody any good for me to misrepresent what I'm eating. But if you look at it, I'm not eating all that much. And what I do eat tends to be something with actual nutritive value. I've also stepped up my time at the gym (not back to where I was 2 years ago but more than I had been doing lately). What am I doing wrong!?!?

She helped me to see a few areas I could make adjustments and I will try some of those suggestions. But I'm still so upset. I'm either not trying as hard as I think I am or my body is not cooperating with my efforts. Either way, I'm trying very hard not to see this all as a personal failure.

I'm just not feeling very hopeful at the moment.

Fortunately, the husband will be home soon and we will go to the gym. Fingers crossed for those endorphines all the kids are raving about.