Tomorrow!

I'm nervous and excited. I just confirmed my surgery and reporting time with the hospital. I'm on the schedule for 9:30am which means I have to arrive at 7:30. That's nothing for me since I usually start work around 6:30, but the husband is going to have a little difficulty with this one.

Friday I had my pre-op appt. Just some paperwork, some labs, a physical exam and a bunch of questions. (Mostly theirs)

Yesterday I had my final appt with my surgeon. I'm down 20 lbs since I first met with him in June. Not quite the 32 he set as my goal for pre-operative weight loss. Perhaps he's cutting me slack since they bumped me up 6 weeks, or perhaps the goal was lofty to begin with. I don't care 20 lbs is 20 lbs. He told me I had done great. I told him to rest up Tuesday night.

I did okay with the pre-operative diet. Of course, I only did it for a week. (My surgeon normally requires 2 weeks, but as you know, they only told me last week of the new date). I only felt really hungry/deprived one day this week. Last night I really really wanted pizza, but told myself to stick it out. Yay for me. Hopefully that mindset sticks for the next 4 weeks while I make the progression back to "real" solid food.

I've done all the research I could. I think I'm ready. But I have Ativan at the ready in case I start to freak out. I'm not overly nervous about the procedure itself. I'm actually most anxious about the fact that I'm going to be pretty nekkid for most of tomorrow. But if that's the worse thing that can happen, I suppose I'm doing ok.

Now that I've left you with that visual.... Wish me luck for tomorrow! I'll update when I'm on the other side!

Surprise!

Hopefully I can type this out because, I kid you not, my hands are shaking.

I just got a phone call from my surgeon's office. It seems that they had an opening in the OR schedule and asked if I wouldn't mind bumping up my date. Ok. Yeah... next week. As in Sept 29th. 7 days from today. I said, "OK, but I haven't done the pre-op diet or anything." She said, "Oh just do that for 2 days prior." So the 2 week thing they normally make people do is for naught? I'm going to do the standard pre-op for the remainder of the time at least because I want to do everything I can to shrink that liver and keep this laparoscopic!

Anyway, so that means I have 7 weeks worth of prep to do in 3 days at work. My boss is being super supportive about this sudden change. (He knows I'm having surgery and had planned to take 2 weeks off from work - he does not know what kind of surgery). But that just makes me feel guilty because I am taking the most inopportune time off. And I'm doing it with very little notice. I work in the financial industry and not only is it a monthly close, but a quarterly close as well. This is the first time in 12 years of working there that I have put my own schedule ahead of the company's.

So, I have a regularly scheduled appt with the surgeon on Monday. That will be my final pre-op appt with him. They're trying to get me an appt with the anesthesiologist for this week. Then next Wednesday I'm getting banded! Yikes!

The good news is that this shortened prep time gives me less time to second guess myself and overthink things.

Okay. I'm slightly calmer.

I want to wish everyone going to the BOOBS extravaganza this weekend a fun and safe trip. I can't wait to hear all the reports. I think this is an amazing event and hope to be part of the next one!

Some People!

First of all, thanks to Grace & Nicole for nominating me for awards this past week. I will get on that... I'm just happy people are reading my random ramblings. The information and advice I am getting on here is invaluable! Thank you, all.

I have a rambling today that isn't directly band-related, but it's upsetting me to the point where I'm making bad food decisions so maybe I should blog it out.

I was at my mother's house yesterday for a Pampered Chef show. The funny thing is, I don't cook. I can cook. Well, I can follow a recipe and prepare a meal that won't necessarily kill anyone. But, as a rule, I don't cook. However, I own just about every item in the catalog! Go figure.

Anyway, I had done pretty well at the show food-wise. Ate mostly shrimp, and only tasted small portions of the dishes prepared at the demonstration. I drank only water even though I really wanted the beer too. When the show was over it was just a few ladies (my mom's friends) hanging around chatting.

One lady from my mom's church started telling this story about a house they looked at and how oddly shaped and small the bathroom was. To illustrate her point she said, looking at me, "no offense to you, but you probably would not have been able to fit in there." Really? How could I take offense to that, right? I ignored it and let her carry on with her story. Because that's what I do. I just thought about it constantly. So that's when I started in on the chips and dip (my arch-nemesis), the brownies and an entire pizza when I got home. I hate myself a little right now. Esepcially since that one escapade pretty much erased the progress I had made on the scale the past 2 weeks. And I have a weight check with my surgeon in a little over a week.

So, I'm mad at that woman for having the audacity to say something like that IN FRONT OF ME. I don't doubt for a second that people talk smack about me. But, we kind of got the point of how small this bathroom was without you comparing me to the size of a room. And I'm mad at myself for letting that comment send me on a feeding frenzy.

Why are people so clueless? And why am I so sensitive?

Thanks for letting me vent. Today is a new day. I'm trying to build a bridge and get over it. I skipped my family breakfast this morning. I have a day of healthy meals planned. I'm going to yet another home sales party tonight dealing with food. But I'm pretty confident I can get in and get out without major diet destruction. (It's at my boss's house so I can't really skip it. But I can bow out early.) Perhaps I just need to avoid the scale and mirrors for a while to keep my mind off of it.

I hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

A final shout-out to Nicole at A Little Bit Less of Me who is getting banded tomorrow! So exciting!

Plan for Success

Now that I have a date and this is looking like it's going to happen... Rather than worry that I'm setting myself up for failure, I've decided that I need to actually plan to succeed. I know that no one actually sets out to be unsuccessful, but I'm sure I'm not alone when I admit that there have been times when I'd just half-ass things and hope for the best.

Way back when I first started reading all the wonderful band blogs, I came across this post from Catherine at Chronicles from Bandland. I've taken some time to actually document a few concrete plans and commitments that I think will be necessary to succeed at this.

Journal/Plan. I know that I do better when I write it down. I will commit to being better about making a menu, which leads to a grocery list and then track my meals afterward. I will not be so hung up on how I do that. Some weeks I might track on my iPhone, some weeks I might do it on paper. I think the important thing is to just do it. I've always been the most successful when I track.

Exercise. Not only is weight loss going to be more difficult without exercise, I am surely going to be left with significant sagging unless I build muscle and tone up along the way. I will commit to hitting the gym 4 days a week and strive to take a class. I'm actually okay about exercise now. I do go 2-3 days a week as it is. But I'm committing to doing it more and making it a priority. Hopefully once my husband is once again among the gainfully employed, I can loosen the budget up a bit to go back to a trainer.

Set up a Reward System. Let's face it, I'm materialistic. And I need prizes. I don't know what I will do to reward myself along the way, but I will figure something out.

Make use of Resources. I have a lot of support. I just tend to not take full advantage. My PCP, therapist, nutritionist, everyone from my surgeon's office, this blog... I know they are there to help me. I will take advantage of it and try not to feel super needy and pathetic in doing so.

Enjoy Life. Part of why I am doing this is to feel better about myself. My weight has held me back and kept me from doing a lot and from enjoying a lot. I will remember to get back in there as I progress. One particular thing that I've been avoiding is marching band. I was in marching band in high school and college. I loved it. I miss it. There are community bands in the area I could join, but I haven't done it because of the humiliation I know I'd face from not having a uniform to fit me. As I lose weight and get down to a "normal" size, I will join a marching band again.

I welcome suggestions and I will surely update this as I get closer and make some more definite goals.

It's a date.

So, I have a date. I am scheduled to get banded on Wednesday, November 17th. Just about 12 weeks away. I have a weight check on 9/21 then pre-op on 11/2. On 11/3 I will begin the official pre-op diet.

Here's the thing. I'm thrilled with the date. It's within my insurance coverage/approval period and it's far enough out that it still gives me plenty of time to prepare mentally and physically. I'll have a few extra days of recuperation built in because my office is closed on Thanksgiving and the day after Thanksgiving. But this does put me at Day 8 post-op on Thanksgiving Day. No stuffing muffins for Kiki this year.

That's not even the problem. The problem is that I'm not so sure I will be able to follow through with my plan to not tell my family. Hmmm.... what to do, what to do.

Don't get me wrong. I love my family. I really do and I have no doubt that they would be supportive. My mother actually had gastric bypass in 2002 and has successfully managed to lose (and keep off) about 150 pounds. I just worry that they will end up being too supportive. They will worry about me too much, ask too many questions, become the food police, be watching me too closely and just end up making me uncomfortable and angry. I know it would be out of a place of love, but sometimes I just need to be left alone. I'm not a big fan of being the center of attention, positive or negative. This will be something of an attention getter. I can feign illness for the day. But I may just have to come to terms with the fact that I have to tell my family and I have to be able to ask for space and trust that they can give it to me.

What did you all do about telling people about your surgery? Did you shout it from the rooftop, did you keep this to yourself? Did you only tell certain people? How did people react?

It's not my intention to pull a Star Jones. I don't intend to deny it. I'm not ashamed of having this surgery. I'm ashamed of needing it. My husband knows of course and I have 2 close friends who know. Only because I know they don't and won't judge me. At work they know I'll be out for a week or so for surgery... but they don't know and don't have to know what kind of surgery. I work with a bunch of men, if there's even the slightest whiff that the surgery is for female issues they won't ask about it!

Down the road I'm sure I'll get "have you lost weight?" questions, but it's not unusual for me to go up and down in size. I've gained and lost a lot of weight in my 12 years at the company! My immediate family also knows of my eating disordered past so they're pretty good about not mentioning my weight around me. My extended family... well, not so much.

The good news is this definitely gets me out of spending any turkey time with my in-laws. I will give a great big thanks for that!

Already?

I've felt lucky in that I've never really worried about insurance approval in this process. My current plan with Harvard Pilgrim covers the surgery with medical necessity. My BMI is about 47 and I have comorbidities up the ying. Seriously, if I don't qualify there is something wrong with the process. Once I got the green light with the psych eval I wasn't concerned at all about insurance holding up the works.

Anyway... I'd been playing phone and email tag with my PCP for a couple of weeks trying to get a "letter of medical necessity". I knew the surgeon would need it and I need it to get some of my related expenses reimbursed through my flexible spending account.

I got a call from my PCP's nurse on Thursday saying that she had written the letter and sent it to me. Great. I stalked my mailbox. Didn't come Friday. Didn't come Saturday. My husband called me Monday to tell me that I had received something from the dr's office in the mail. I knew that was it.

Just for shits and giggles I logged on to my account with Harvard Pilgrim. Apparently I have already been approved for the surgery. Huh? I hadn't even sent my dr's note to the surgeon's office yet. So I'm not sure if my PCP made the request herself on behalf of the hospital (her practice is affiliated with the hospital) or she sent the letter to the surgeon and they already submitted the request or what. But it looks to me like I'm approved. It says "approved" three times on the page.

I'm not going to lie. When I saw that on the screen, I got butterflies in my stomach. This might actually happen. Yikes!

So now I have to get in touch with the surgeon's office to confirm all this and see when they can give me an actual date. Of course the billing coordinator was out today so I will try again tomorrow. Timing is everything because I'm going to lose this insurance plan on November 30th.

It's a long story, but my husband was laid off in May 2009 and our COBRA coverage ends in November. I can get insurance through work, but my company's plan is just awful. We are actually spending less money paying the COBRA premiums than we would getting insurance through my company and paying the higher co-pays, coinsurance, deductibles and pharmacy. Plus, it covers to nothing. Certainly not Lap-Band! There's a chance that my husband will be offered a full time job in October at the company he his temping for. But that's not guaranteed at this point.

So, there we go. I'm just a bundle of emotions at the moment... anxious, scared and excited all at the same time!

Worries and Doubts

This is a self-indulgent post for me to try to make sense of the "thought tornado" in my unmedicated mind.

I've been going along on this journey knowing full well that I can stop at any time. When my PCP first suggested that I look into it in April she told me that very thing. Until the anesthesia takes effect I can change my mind.

I'm 95% sure that Lap-Band is the right thing for me to do and that I will do it. I'm only 90% sure that I can do it. Is that normal? Am I just setting myself up for failure if I'm not 100% convinced I can do it?

I still have concerns about how successful I can be with a Lap-Band. I've ultimately failed at every other attempt to lose weight, what makes me so sure that I won't fail at this, too? Maybe I just haven't found the right method of lasting weight loss that will work for me. Maybe the Lap-Band is exactly what I need and in 2 years I will be one of the amazing success stories! I won't know if I don't try. But it's a pretty big undertaking for "maybe".

Anyway, Grace over at Grace's Fat Chance bravely wrote about something yesterday that illustrated my biggest concern/fear/worry for myself. Her post has prompted me to put this out there.

I've not been shy about the fact that I've struggled with bulimia in the past. I engaged in the behaviors at least as far back as high school but never had a name for it until after I graduated from college. I've been hospitalized for it twice. I've been in treatment for over 10 years. I haven't purged since July 2007. I can't tell you the last time I had an honest-to-goodness binge. I've been trying to not focus on numbers. I've tried to stay off the scale. I've tried not to count calories, points, fat grams, etc. Getting hung up on the numbers tends to get me into trouble. I'm an accountant by trade... over analyzing numbers is what I do. I try to leave that at the office.

Lately, though, I have been focusing on numbers... having to lose a certain amount of weight before such and such a date. Getting weighed a lot more often. Having more focus on my food selections. Once I'm banded, I will most definitely need to pay strict attention to what I'm eating. My fear is that all this focus will turn into obsession again and bring me back to where I was. Or send the pendulum swinging the entire other way. I could just as easily see me turning to restriction, becoming an obsessive exerciser or not know when to stop losing weight.

I know this is something I need to bring up with my therapist. I've just been afraid that if the doctors know I'm having these thoughts they'll flat out say I can't have the surgery. I don't want to lie. But I don't want to blow a chance at lasting success. Especially if I'm just being silly.

Intellectually I know I am in a good position to be successful. I know what I'm getting into. I know what I need to do to be successful. I have a good support system. I have a medical team that I trust and respect. I have a husband who loves me like I can't even believe. I have a family who loves me and has the best of intentions, even if their execution is sometimes hit or miss. I am in a much better place than I was 10, 5 or even 3 years ago. I've come a long way. I owe it to myself to try, right?

Okay, I feel better getting this off my chest. I'm up to about 93% sure on the confidence meter. Thank you!