Worries and Doubts

This is a self-indulgent post for me to try to make sense of the "thought tornado" in my unmedicated mind.

I've been going along on this journey knowing full well that I can stop at any time. When my PCP first suggested that I look into it in April she told me that very thing. Until the anesthesia takes effect I can change my mind.

I'm 95% sure that Lap-Band is the right thing for me to do and that I will do it. I'm only 90% sure that I can do it. Is that normal? Am I just setting myself up for failure if I'm not 100% convinced I can do it?

I still have concerns about how successful I can be with a Lap-Band. I've ultimately failed at every other attempt to lose weight, what makes me so sure that I won't fail at this, too? Maybe I just haven't found the right method of lasting weight loss that will work for me. Maybe the Lap-Band is exactly what I need and in 2 years I will be one of the amazing success stories! I won't know if I don't try. But it's a pretty big undertaking for "maybe".

Anyway, Grace over at Grace's Fat Chance bravely wrote about something yesterday that illustrated my biggest concern/fear/worry for myself. Her post has prompted me to put this out there.

I've not been shy about the fact that I've struggled with bulimia in the past. I engaged in the behaviors at least as far back as high school but never had a name for it until after I graduated from college. I've been hospitalized for it twice. I've been in treatment for over 10 years. I haven't purged since July 2007. I can't tell you the last time I had an honest-to-goodness binge. I've been trying to not focus on numbers. I've tried to stay off the scale. I've tried not to count calories, points, fat grams, etc. Getting hung up on the numbers tends to get me into trouble. I'm an accountant by trade... over analyzing numbers is what I do. I try to leave that at the office.

Lately, though, I have been focusing on numbers... having to lose a certain amount of weight before such and such a date. Getting weighed a lot more often. Having more focus on my food selections. Once I'm banded, I will most definitely need to pay strict attention to what I'm eating. My fear is that all this focus will turn into obsession again and bring me back to where I was. Or send the pendulum swinging the entire other way. I could just as easily see me turning to restriction, becoming an obsessive exerciser or not know when to stop losing weight.

I know this is something I need to bring up with my therapist. I've just been afraid that if the doctors know I'm having these thoughts they'll flat out say I can't have the surgery. I don't want to lie. But I don't want to blow a chance at lasting success. Especially if I'm just being silly.

Intellectually I know I am in a good position to be successful. I know what I'm getting into. I know what I need to do to be successful. I have a good support system. I have a medical team that I trust and respect. I have a husband who loves me like I can't even believe. I have a family who loves me and has the best of intentions, even if their execution is sometimes hit or miss. I am in a much better place than I was 10, 5 or even 3 years ago. I've come a long way. I owe it to myself to try, right?

Okay, I feel better getting this off my chest. I'm up to about 93% sure on the confidence meter. Thank you!