Let the festivities begin!

Tonight I'm having a party. I actually throw parties a lot... always a theme! For my birthday I have a murder mystery party every year and it's always a blast. More and more people join in every year. Last year I had 35 characters at the party! This year the company I get the mysteries from came out with a holiday murder mystery so I decided to do a special Christmas edition (but on a smaller scale since we clearly can't do an outdoor party in December in New England and my house can't comfortably hold 35 people at once!!) So, 15 of my friends and family are coming over tonight dressed as elves and reindeer. It's sure to be a riot. But, damn, parties are a lot of work. And a lot of food.

I learned how to throw a party from my mother. From her I learned that the worst thing that can happen at a party is to run out of food or have a guest go hungry because there is nothing there that they like. So, there is always variety and there is always enough so that everyone can have some of everything. This is a double edged sword because while it's nice to be known as a great hostess, it's tough to deal with leftovers. Over the years (and over the past few months especially)... I've gotten better about sending things home with people or just plain throwing it away. My best strategy is to leave everything out overnight. If I still want to eat the stuff that's been sitting open all night the next day... I've got bigger problems than I thought!

Right after I got banded I worried about how my social life would be affected. Would I still be able to throw the parties my guests are used to? Will I ruin it for myself because I have no self-control? Will people comment about my own changes in eating and make me uncomfortable? Will I not have much fun if I don't drink as much? The good news is, nothing's really changed. My Halloween party was a great success. Sure, I ate more candy than I probably should have, but it was infinitely better than past years. At game night a few weeks ago I didn't serve chips and dip (I lose all resolve around onion dip) and no one commented. And it turns out that no one actually pays all that much attention to what I do and don't eat at a party... or at least they don't say anything about it to me! I also learned I don't have to be drunk to have fun. Plus, drinking usually leads me to the chips and dip.

The one thing that still plagues me though is keeping myself in check during the prep. Party prep is insanely stressful for me. Every time I wonder why I put myself through it. The planning, the shopping, the cleaning, the cooking, the making sure everyone is having a good time, more cleaning... but at the end of the night after everyone has left well fed and happy, I realize it's actually worth it. But... during the stressful party prep period (which for me lasts a couple of days) I tend to eat. For distraction, as a stress reliever or just because party food is so much fun and tasty!

The reason I'm putting this out here in blogland is because yesterday and already this morning I've found myself sampling. Testing. Taking bites here and there. This has made me not hungry for my actual meals with actual nutritive value. The scale was kind to me the other day. I've got my official weigh-in tomorrow. I don't want to blow it with this mindless grazing. My plan for today is not eat any of the party food until the actual party. I will eat my planned meals today and hopefully that will help steer clear of the goodies.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not about deprivation. (clearly!!) But if I'm going to enjoy an oreo truffle... I should wait until they're finished and savor one. I shouldn't snack on pizza toppings as I'm preparing dinner. I should wait until it's done and enjoy the complete experience. I will have snacks tonight, but there's no need to camp out in front of the cheese and crackers. I have cheese and crackers all the time... these ones aren't any different!

Okay... it's T-minus 10 hours until I have to have my house transformed into the North Pole. I still have favors to put together, a house to clean and a ton of food to prepare. Wish me luck! I hope everyone enjoys their weekend!!

Girls' Weekend

A while back my aunt decided that we should have a "Girls' Weekend". She invited all the ladies in the family (13 of us in total ranging in age from 8-80) to spend the night down at her beach house. Sounds like fun, right? Sure... but also anxiety inducing.

I love my family, don't get me wrong, but spending a weekend in close quarters with them seemed overwhelming. I like my space. I'm also at a weird age in my family. I'm too old to really "hang" with the younger cousins. (I'm 10 years older than my next oldest cousin) but I'm too young to hang with the "grown-ups". This is weird because my sister, who is only 19 months younger than me, has no trouble fitting in with either group... so I guess it's just me!

Also, my aunt can be somewhat judgemental. And it's only gotten worse the older I've gotten. Or maybe I've just noticed it more. She has definite opinions on what people should eat, when they should eat, how much or how little they should eat. And she's not afraid to share those opinions with everyone. I try to avoid that kind of discussion.

Anyway, the weekend wasn't horrible. We arrived at the house around 1pm and spent the afternoon painting pottery and eating. Then we went to a Christmas parade nearby where I got to meet up very briefly with my college roommate. (My aunt had a very tight schedule and that barely allowed for me to sneak off for 5 minutes to see my friend!). Then it was back to the house for dinner, more painting, movies, etc. I actually was quite full from all the snacking in the afternoon and did not partake in the pizza. Sure, I got questioned about it. But I was able to just say I wasn't hungry at the moment and I'd eat later. I didn't, of course, because my aunt was very quick to clean up. She's one of those people who will stand over you and whisk your plate off into the dishwasher before the last bite is even in your mouth!

I went to bed early and the next morning we woke up to a bountiful breakfast, played a game and thankfully were back on our way by 1pm! Just barely 24 hours of family time!

I didn't escape unscathed. My aunt literally backed me into a corner at one point shortly before we were leaving and "confronted" me about losing weight. It was more than a casual, 'you look good, have you lost weight?' sort of thing. It was uncomfortable, but I got through it. She always words such 'compliments' in a way that make me twitchy.

I had fun. It was nice to spend some time with my grandmother. It was nice to have so many cousins together doing fun things. And it was nice to finally get to see the beach house (I actually work during the summer so I'm never able to go down there with everyone else). But I'm glad to have that over with.

I'm overall pretty pleased with how I dealt with eating. I snacked. I enjoyed myself. But, I knew my limits and never once got to the point of physical discomfort. Despite my anxiety at being there I didn't eat to distract or soothe myself either so that's a plus.

I give the weekend an A- and myself an A.

Fill #2

It's been 4 weeks since my 1st fill. I wasn't as nervous about this one. I was only down about 3.5lbs from last time. Not great, but better than gaining, right? With 4cc in a 14cc band, I'm probably not even close to optimum fill level. The PA said I was doing well and that considering the band isn't offering me much in the way of restriction right now, losing 3.5lbs in a month basically on my own, over Thanksgiving, is nothing to feel guilty about. OK.

She said it will be another 3-4 fills before I'm "there". Today she added 1cc to bring me up to 5cc. So, liquids for a while, then soft foods and just in time for the "Girls' Weekend" coming up (future post), I'll be back on solids.

The fill was slightly different than last time. For starters, the PA did it and not the surgeon. Pain was minimal and tolerable. She said that it was weird because she got saline out even though she wasn't exactly in the port so I had some oddity of pooling saline outside the port. She found the port, withdrew all that was in there and put 5cc of fresh saline back in. No problem drinking water, surgeon popped in to say hi, good work, see you in 4 weeks. He's no nonsense. I like that about him.

So one thing I've noticed is that with both fills I got raging headaches afterwards. I'm not sure it's related to the fill itself though. Both times I'd not eaten at all during the day prior to my appt. (Residual behavior from my Weight Watcher days where I wouldn't' eat anything during the day prior to weighing in). That could be it. I think that next time I will force myself to eat breakfast the morning of and see if that makes a difference. Old habits die hard though....

Thankful.

Thanksgiving is behind me. That's good. I over did it to be sure... but it could have been a lot worse. I did a lot of grazing during the early part of the day, but a) not nearly as much as "normal" and b) I stopped when it got more than uncomfortable but not quite painful. Unfortunately it stayed uncomfortable for most of the day.

Head hunger is still my nemesis because countless times I picked up something to shove in my face and had to actually remind myself that I was not hungry.

I had 10 people over for dinner (I did not cook. I merely opened up my home because it had more room than my mom's place... she and my Dad did all the cooking! I can't take any credit for the fabulous meal we had). I only have 8 dinner plates. I'm not the math teacher in my family, but.... Fortunately I have a couple of larger plates that aren't part of the set so my Dad got to use one of those. (He eats his cereal from a serving bowl.... is it a wonder I have issues with portion control?!) I ate off of one of my small appetizer plates. No one commented, so hopefully everyone just thought it was because of the plate shortage.

For my meal I ate 2 stuffing muffins and a small amount of turkey and cranberries. My favorites only. I couldn't bear to stuff in any desserts so I stopped eating. I was uncomfortable, but I guess that means the band is doing its job... I just need to learn to work with it!!

My weight stayed the same for the last week. I had a good drop initially after my 1st fill... then a small gain and then no movement (which I consider a victory for Thanksgiving week!).

I have my next fill on Dec 6, so just a week away. It can't come soon enough for me. For one thing, given that I want to, can and sometimes do eat just about anything I want, I obviously didn't fall into the minority that is optimally filled right away. Also, I could use the jump start that the post-fill diet progression will give me.

I feel that I did pretty well overall at Thanksgiving. Hopefully this next fill will help me be even stronger over Christmas... that's a lot of parties.

Oh, tiny NSV to share.... I went to a concert with a friend this weekend. Not only was I able to walk up about 7 flights of stairs to the balcony while carrying on a conversation, I did not feel like I was invading her personal space in the seats. Oh sure, I was rubbing thighs with the lady on the other side of me (also a woman "of size"), but for the first time in a very long time I didn't feel like I was making my friends uncomfortable. It can only get better, right?

A Very Banded Thanksgiving

So much going through my head right now so this post is going to be in bullets.

• Not that I really expected it, but even after my 1st fill I feel no different. Next fill is scheduled for Dec 6th so we'll see how that goes. Dr. R told me it could take a while. I believe him. I'm not disappointed, but more concerned about what I'm able to eat.


• Which brings me to my next point... head hunger is winning. I eat when I'm not hungry. I thought I was doing better with that. Turns out I'm not. Actually, I guess I am doing better. I now only eat 2-3 pieces of pizza instead of the whole damn pie. But still, 2-3 pieces of pizza is way too much.


• I did get something yesterday that I hope will help me. I bought tiny forks and spoons. (technically they are "appetizer forks" and "espresso spoons"). My hope is that they will help me take smaller bites. I already eat off of appetizer sized plates. At the very least they're cute.


• I'm nervous about Thanksgiving. For years this was a brutal holiday for me. Gorging on appetizers, purging, going back for rounds 2-3 of turkey and stuffing, purging to make room for dessert... repeating for a few days with leftovers. For the past several years I've been able to keep myself from purging, but not the overeating. This year it's a whole new ballgame, though! We're having Thanksgiving at my house (and by that I mean, my parents are coming over to cook... it's just that my parents' house isn't big enough to accommodate the extra guests we have coming this year).


• My weight has been stagnant. (Not surprising given points 1 & 2 above! I lost initially after my fill, but this week nothing. I know it's way too early to call a plateau, but I'm worried that I'm screwing this up. Maybe it's just a cyclical thing. Right after surgery I had the same sort of issue. I lost a lot initially, but when I started eating normally again I gained a bit before losing more. I tend to worry before I need to. So I'll just try to take it as it comes.


• In NSV's... most of my workout clothes fit me better now. So I guess I have no excuse not to get my butt to the gym, right?

I hope that everyone who is celebrating has a Happy Thanksgiving! My nutritionist has a saying that she doesn't really care what we do on Thanksgiving and Christmas.... it's the days in between that she worries about. My goal is to keep myself in check tomorrow... but if I overdo it, to get right back on the horse on Friday.

My First NSV!

I'm married again!

For months now I have been unable to wear my wedding rings. They have sat in a small bowl on a cabinet in my kitchen since the last time I was able to wear them. I managed to pry them off without cutting the rings or dislocating my finger and told myself I wouldn't wear them again until they would slide onto (and off) my finger without cutting off circulation.

But they're on now and my finger isn't too sausage like. At least I can get them on and off without much effort.

It feels good.

1st Fill

At just under 6 weeks post-op I had my first fill yesterday. Now, I'm not squeamish when it comes to needles. But for some reason I was nervous about this appointment. I shouldn't have been.

I weighed in at 3.5 lbs less than my 1st post-op. So that's a total of 9lbs down after surgery. 9 lbs in 6 weeks is respectable considering I have no restriction yet.

Perhaps I was just lucky or perhaps it's because it was my first fill, but the surgeon did it himself rather than a PA. He was very good and explained everything that would happen before he did it.

Guess what... it wasn't that bad. A pinch at most. Very little pain while he poked around for the port. And he put 4cc in.

He explained to me that I have a 14cc band and that most patients don't find optimum restriction until around 8cc's or so. He also explained that they start small to avoid nausea. I'm cool with that. I'm not looking for instant gratification. Ok, well I am looking for instant gratification, but I understand that's not going to happen.

I was out of there in under 30 minutes so my parking was free which included time to get into the hosptial, wait for my appt and fill out some paperwork. Bonus! Hey, it's the little things.

So it's back to liquids and then I'll progress. I figure by the weekend I'll be back to normal... whatever my new normal is going to be at this fill level.

I did experience some nausea yesterday. I'm not sure if it was related to the fill or to the raging headache I had all day. The cup of soup I had for dinner didn't seem to cut it after a 14 hour day so I had to call it quits and retire to a completely dark bedroom.

I feel better now, but I still took the day off of work. And by taking the day off I mean working from home. I wonder if slimming down will allow me to feel less like I have to compensate so much.